Why I Hate Christmas

I used to be one of those kids who started listening to Christmas music in July. I would write the first draft of my letter to Santa in January and edit it about 100 times before December was even thought of. I had millions of ideas for Christmas presents for my parents when I had the money. I loved Christmas movies, decorations and the general feel around the holiday. I would wake up on Christmas morning, too excited to sleep past 4 am. This continued until I was 18. Then everything changed.

If you're a child who has lost a parent, I'm sure you'll understand where I come from when I say that Christmas just doesn't have the same appeal anymore. My dad used to run down before me and set up the camera, stick on the fire and turn all the Christmas lights on. Even during the last year when he was sick, he made sure to come down before me and set the scene. Last year was my first Christmas without my dad. I spent the entire holiday going through the motions, just trying to get through the day. I was delighted when I survived the first Christmas. This November it occurred to me that I would have to survive another without him. And another. Somehow it had never really occurred to me that I would never have another Christmas with him again. This has been very difficult to adjust to.

It's being made increasingly hard with the decorations up, the holiday adverts on tv, the music. With my mam having started watching Christmas movies in August because nothing can kill her Christmas spirit. She's stronger than I am. I've let it kill mine. It's not that I hate Christmas. I love getting people presents, and showing people just how much they mean to me. I love all the songs, and the movies. I love my Christmas tree and our usual decorations. I love that everyone is a little bit happier this month, a little more generous, a little kinder. I hate that I can't share this with my dad. I hate that I can't buy him the James Bond box set that I always wanted to. I hate that we can't complain together about my mother watching Christmas movies in the summer. I hate that there will be another New Years Eve without him, and then another new year. 

I'm not trying to be a grinch, I'm not trying to be a downer on your holidays when I say it's too early. I'm just trying to avoid the pain for as long as I can. So this year, maybe try to have a little extra sympathy for those who complain about Christmas. For those who give no reason, but who hate the holidays as much as I do. Because you don't know the battles people face everyday. And they get harder at Christmas. So please don't pressure me into doing Christmassy things. I'm not ready. I don't know if I ever will be.