December 3rd

I am so hyper aware that other people have problems, and that everyone's problems are as important as each other's and that pain is subjective that I forget sometimes that other people don't think like that. I've a friend in college who isn't in a great place right now. But he focuses on it all the time. He talks about it all the time. Unless you explicitly tell him your problems, he will immediately assume that his problems are worse/more important than yours. He doesn't understand perspective. He's so wrapped up in his own doom that he can never seem to see the light around him. And there is so much light around him.
I don't always have the patience to deal with this because it's so draining sometimes, and when I do have energy I like to refocus it on college, or work, or stuff that absolutely has to get done. Sometimes I would love the luxury of being able to be wrapped up in my own head. I know how selfish that sounds. At the same time though it sounds horrifying. He has some dark, dark thoughts. And he tells us about them all the time. He assumes everyone is negative, and when one person does a bad thing, everyone else will do. He had a friend group that he was incredibly close to, and they dropped him like a hot plate when he made a mistake. He always thinks that our current friend group will do the same thing. This drives me up the wall, because it shows that he has a low opinion of us. He denies it, and he doesn't mean to, but he doesn't trust that we will keep him around. Despite the fact that we were there for him when the other group weren't. He doesn't understand how much we value friendship, and how we aren't in fact assholes.
He's also always convinced that he's going to fuck up everything. I tell him that if you think a certain way, and if you think bad things are going to happen, they sure as shit will. He doesn't know the power of positive thoughts. He doesn't even want to. He seems to like feeling like shit, he enjoys complaining about his life, and he loves when bad things happen because they validate his negative feelings. And I hate this. If I thought about all the bad things that happen to me, if I let them get to me 24/7, I would genuinely never get out of bed. I want to get better. I'm sick of my head being wired weirdly. But he enjoys it. He doesn't want to get better.
When good things happen to him he seems genuinely disappointed. I just can't understand anyone feeling like that because I'm so desperate to feel better. I'm so desperate to feel something other than sadness, grief or anxiety. I'm sick of being numb. But my friend loves it, He loves his depression, he loves it when it gets worse. It makes no sense at all.